


put your doubts to rest

by moonboyblues



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Relationship Problems, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27363943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonboyblues/pseuds/moonboyblues
Summary: Tsukishima found comfort in Kuroo's warmth. Up until that warmth cools off, and he's left spending cold nights alone.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	put your doubts to rest

**Author's Note:**

> An entry for Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Day 3. This is a combination of the three tier prompts: photograph, defeat, and "I can't lose you, too." I hope you enjoy, and I recommend hearing [this song!](https://open.spotify.com/track/6RKGBcDtgzXx21zUjpeu6F) Title is from its lyrics.

When Tsukishima met Kuroo, it was a lovely spring day. Call it cliché, but everything about that day seemed right.

He woke up with the sunlight warm yet comforting shining down his face. He received a text about getting a bonus for a job well done from his previous project. He’s been granted a day off, too, in fact. So he wore a new set of clothes, a fluffy mint sweater and beige pants, which he loved and felt comfortable in. His hair didn’t rebel as much that day when he combed it down. The coffee from the café near his workplace went down his throat in the right way, and the cheesecake tasted the right amount of salty and sweet.

It was a perfect day for Tsukishima, for short.

It was also the very day he bumped into Kuroo as soon as he got out of the café, mind already set for an evening all for himself: a nice homemade dinner, a cup of warm tea, some beignets he took out from the café, and a list of Netflix movies to watch and mark off.

When he saw Kuroo’s face turning into a smile, hand raised in greeting, that evening he had in mind went by differently.

He didn’t even notice that the coffee in his hand has spilled on his sweater. Kuroo apologized profusely, even offered to buy him a new sweater. Tsukishima dismissed that, said it was okay, so Kuroo offered his coat instead to cover up the stain. Kuroo also took him out to a nice dinner in an Italian restaurant as an apology, and kept on insisting until Tsukishima gave in. It turned out to be a nice evening. They passed by a tea shop and sampled different tea leaves together. They ate his beignets at a park while they admired the cherry blossoms blooming in full. As the night ended, Kuroo asked him out to watch a movie together tomorrow.

That night was the start of what Tsukishima thought was a perfect relationship.

Everything felt warm and right. Kuroo felt warm and right.

But as all warm things do, in time, it started to get cold.

Kuroo changed. He changed. And here they are now, three years being together, but his bed never felt as lonely as it did now than he ever felt when he was alone.

“Tetsurou,” Kei said to the phone, trying to keep it in between his ear and shoulder as he chopped up the vegetables he’d need for tonight’s dinner. “What time will you be coming home?”

Home. Both of them started to live under the same roof a year into their relationship. It would be the second year of living together today, and the third year of being together as a couple. Tsukishima's home has indeed become Kuroo.

"Oh, Kei, I'm so sorry," started one of the many lines Kuroo has told Tsukishima these past few weeks, too often that he had already memorized how his sentences would go. "I have to work overtime. The deadline has been changed and I roughly have three days left to finish this project."

Tsukishima sighed, already feeling unmotivated to continue the dish he has just started. “Can’t you bring your work home? I’m cooking dinner for us.”

Kuroo mirrored his sigh from the other line. “I’m sorry, Kei.”

The call dropped, but Tsukishima still hasn't moved. He looked at the chopped vegetables and saw how poorly sliced they were. All jagged and in different sizes.

Maybe it was a good thing Kuroo didn’t come home.

He threw the vegetables away and placed the used utensils in the sink, as he sifted through the drawer for a pizza flyer.

Tsukishima felt horribly out of place.

He wanted to run, but it was one of the rare moments he gets to spend time with Kuroo these days. Even if it was in a company event.

The blond watched as his partner laughed along with his colleagues, too invested with the story his co-worker was telling to notice that even if Tsukishima was tall, he looked like he was shrinking at the moment.

He swirled the wine in his glass, fingers delicately wrapped around the stem as he tried to entertain himself. He knew no one here, and it would seem rude to use his phone while Kuroo and his officemates were engaging in a lively conversation.

It was kind of cold, too. He should’ve worn something thicker, but he wanted to dress to impress. The turtleneck was starting to itch, and he regretted not going for a simple dress shirt and a coat.

Warm. He needed something warm right now. Kuroo was warm.

Slowly, Tsukishima reached for Kuroo’s hand under the table. It was the warmth he expected, and he felt a bit happy that he could be able to feel Kuroo’s warmth again after a long time.

Their fingers wrapped together, palm against palm, and suddenly, everything was alright.

Until Kuroo pulled his hand away, trying to tell a story animatedly with hand gestures.

When Kuroo finished with his story, he didn’t seek for the blond’s hand again.

Tsukishima didn’t try again, either.

“Kei, it’s just a family dinner. Why are you so against it?” Kuroo was trying to be calm, but the redness on his face said otherwise. They were both starting to lose their composure, and Tsukishima knew that if he provoked Kuroo harder, this would blow up in his face.

"You know how your parents don't like me, Tetsurou." Tsukishima took a step back, even if the whole kitchen counter was in between them. "They don't even seem happy about your choice of dating a man. And I'm a snarky, blunt, sarcastic fucker on top of that. What makes you think we would be having a great time with them?"

Kuroo ran his fingers through his hair, looking away to take a deep breath before facing the blond again. “The last dinner went great, didn’t it? They’re slowly starting to warm up to you, Kei!”

Tsukishima snorted. “Your father asked me if being gay was contagious, and if so, was I the reason why you dated a man. If you call that dinner great, I think we need to have a re-evaluation of your vocabulary, Tetsurou.”

“That was just a joke!”

“An offensive one!”

Both of their palms were slammed against the counter this time, the tension in the air so palpable that it started to scratch at Kei in the wrong way.

Kuroo was the first one to calm down, shaking his head as he leaned away and placed his hands on his hips. “I love my family, and I love you, Kei. I can’t choose between the both of you.”

Tsukishima sneered, leaning back as well as he reached for his car keys in the fruit bowl. “You chose your work over me repeatedly, Kuroo. Why not choose something else over me again? It didn’t seem like a hard choice for you to make.”

“Kei!” Kuroo called, but it was too late. Tsukishima was already out of the door.

Kuroo’s body felt so warm against his, and he couldn’t help but arch his back when Kuroo rolled his hips and hit the right spot.

His vision was blurry without his glasses, but he still could perfectly see Kuroo’s face in front of him. For some reason, he can’t help but compare his expression to the first time they made love.

Kuroo was smiling at that time, even his eyes spoke of happiness. This Kuroo didn't. Kuroo pressed soft kisses under his ear and whispered praises at that time. This Kuroo only groaned and spoke profanities. Kuroo's hands, that time, were careful, gentle, kind, despite the purposeful impact of his thrusts. This Kuroo didn't even hold his hands, nor looked him in the eyes.

‘Kei, come back to me.’ Was all it took for them to make up. But why did it feel like nothing changed from when they fought?

When it was over, Kuroo rolled to his side of the bed, his back against Tsukishima.

They used to embrace each other right after.

They were supposed to make love to make up for everything that happened: the time lost, the miscommunication and misunderstanding—everything.

Yet Kuroo looked like a stranger right now, even more than the first time they met.

Tsukishima turned his back against Kuroo too, as he stuffed his fist to his mouth to prevent his loud sobs from pouring out.

Kuroo changed for the worse.

He lost his promotion to someone who was blood-related to his boss. His parents had declared that after a long time of tolerating Kuroo’s sexuality, they could never accept the idea that he was dating a man. Everything went downhill for Kuroo, and Tsukishima tried to be there for him.

Until he started taking it out on the blond.

If Kuroo used to come home late due to his work, Kuroo now would come home at an even later time, reeking of alcohol. He never hit Tsukishima, but he would scream and throw things around.

Tsukishima wanted to endure it because he knew how frustrating it was not having his hard work pay off.

If Kuroo was a loud drunk, he refused to talk when he was sober. He would mope around the house, and even if Tsukishima tried his best to get him to open up, Kuroo would just lock himself up in the room or refuse to talk to him.

Tsukishima wanted to endure that, too, because he knew how much Kuroo's family meant to him.

Kuroo stayed out late, drank, sulked alone, isolated himself, and even forgot Tsukishima’s birthday. Tsukishima endured it all.

Until it was too much.

When he looked at Kuroo now, he wasn't the same Kuroo he fell in love with. Kuroo didn't make corny jokes just to get him to smile anymore. Kuroo didn't hold his hand anymore. Kuroo didn't hug him anymore. Kuroo didn't try to resolve anything with communication anymore. Kuroo didn't even look at him anymore.

Tsukishima acknowledged his defeat. Kuroo didn’t love him anymore.

His heart ached, his fists curled tight. He never wanted to lose Kuroo. But he was starting to lose himself, too.

After all, it was hard to hold on to something that seemed to have already let go.

That night, Tsukishima knew he had to end it.

That night, too, he cried himself to sleep as he thought of the first time they met.

When Tsukishima let go of Kuroo, it was a cold autumn day. Everything should feel wrong that day, but it felt right.

He woke up without Kuroo beside him again. He had no work on the weekend, so he had a free day. He wore the mint sweater and beige pants that he loved, something that would make him feel comfortable despite what was going to happen. He texted Kuroo to meet him for lunch at the tea shop they used to frequent, and he agreed.

It was the perfect day to set things straight, for short. The day to get his life back.

When he sat at the wooden chair of the tea shop as he waited for Kuroo, he tried to remember the memories they shared here. The tea shop held a lot of great memories, and Tsukishima knew it would take time for him to visit this shop again, knowing this is where it has started and will end.

Kuroo came half an hour past lunch, his eyes bloodshot and the bags under it growing darker. For a moment, Tsukishima hesitated about what he was going to do. He didn’t want to be cruel, but he knew he had to do it.

They both have to fix themselves.

Tsukishima tried for a smile to lighten the atmosphere, his finger tracing the edge of his cup as he gathered the words he was about to say. He has thought about how to end it properly all night, but in the end, he knew he should just be himself and be honest.

“Kuroo, let’s end this.”

Everything was silent that day, despite the busy traffic outside and the hum of chatters within the tea shop. They looked at each other, but both of their eyes were empty. Desolate. It was a sad, pitiful view.

Then Kuroo reeled, leaning forward with his arms on the table. “What? End what, Kei?”

Kei licked his lips, the lump on his throat starting to form. “End us. I’m breaking up with you, Kuroo.”

Kuroo blinked some more, staying silent as he watched Tsukishima. After a few moments of silence, he started to laugh. He was belting out laughter, yet none of it sounded humorous at all. People were starting to look at them, but Kuroo didn't seem to care. His eyes were wild as they find Tsukishima's again.

“You’re kidding, right?” Tsukishima shook his head no. “What the fuck, Kei… Kei, you’re ending us? After three years? Is it because I didn’t get the promotion? Or my family? Don’t worry, Kei. I’ll get my ass back to work and earn the promotion I deserve. I don’t even care about my family anymore, since they don’t care about me. We don’t have to attend those shitty family dinners anymore, Kei. Please—”

“It’s not just about that, Kuroo.” Kei cut in, knowing he’d burst out crying if Kuroo continued to talk. “Everything has changed. We weren’t as happy as we used to be. A part of me chips away every time you neglected me these past few months. You’re at rock bottom, yet you refuse to let me, your lover, to help you back up. I tried to endure it, Kuroo. All I did was for you, and I had nothing left for my own.”

Kuroo pushed his chair back, the frustration in his eyes evident, and Tsukishima knew if they weren't in public, Kuroo must've thrown something right now. "I lost my promotion, my family, and now, _you?"_ Kuroo's eyes were red, but it was watered with tears right now. "Kei, I can't lose you too!"

Tsukishima felt his heart break even more. He could hear the desperation in Kuroo's voice. He knew Kuroo needed him.

But did he love him?

The blond steeled his resolve, looking straight at Kuroo’s eyes to deliver his sincerity. “You already lost me, Kuroo.”

Kuroo went silent as he heard that.

They stared at each other as the awful silence enveloped them, both of their fists balled up so hard their knuckles were white. The first drop of tear rolled down Tsukishima's cheek, and he turned his head down, hiding his face as more tears appeared.

“You lost me long ago when you started to show little to no care about me. You lost me when you shunned me away, even if I was desperately trying to reach out to you. You lost me when you stopped showing me the love you told me about back when we were happy.”

Kuroo was still silent, but his tears were rolling down as well.

“I love you, Kuroo. If love is all that is needed for a relationship to work, I wouldn’t dare end us.” Tsukishima looked up again, trying to hold Kuroo’s stare. “But love is not enough.”

A few more moments of silence settled in the eerie air between them. When Tsukishima couldn't take the silence anymore, he stood up, left a tip on the table, and gathered his things.

Kuroo didn’t stop him when he walked past him. Kuroo didn’t call for his name when he went out of the door. Kuroo didn’t call or text him, as he drove to their apartment. Kuroo didn’t show up that night, as Tsukishima packed his belongings, a train ticket in his hand as he decided to move back to his parents’ home.

He looked around the apartment one last time, trying to remember only the good things. The kitchen they used to make tea and dinner in. The couch where they would spend lazy days together. The woolen carpet where they would dance above with socks on, whenever Kuroo's favorite songs played on the radio.

Something caught his eye as he looked past the coffee table.

Tsukishima walked closer, seeing a rectangular, white box with a red bow haphazardly tied around it. A small scribble read ‘For Kei’ below, the handwriting belonging to no one else but Kuroo.

He had a feeling it would be a bad idea to look at it, but his curiosity beat him. He sat down, took the box in his hand, and slowly pulled the ribbon off. He wasn’t nervous when he had the talk with Kuroo earlier, so he didn’t know why he was nervous now as he opened the box.

Inside were numerous polaroid photos of Kei and Tetsurou together. Some were just of Kei, and most of them were the two of them together. Memories flooded in his head and it hit him so hard, he had to look away and catch his breath.

_What was this for, Kuroo?_

He looked at the pictures, all of them taken back when they were happily dating and Kuroo wasn’t still consumed in his work. He remembered how Kuroo used to bring around a polaroid camera before whenever they went out, and he wondered where the pictures went. Here they were.

Nostalgia hit Kei like a train, and he was too absorbed with the memories that he didn’t even notice the white, folded letter until it slid out of the box.

Kei eyed the paper. With a careful movement, he opened the letter, and more of Kuroo's handwriting showed. It read:

> _Kei, my dearest sunshine_
> 
> _I know you hate being called sunshine. I remember how you would wrinkle your nose and hit my arm if I did. But I couldn't help it. You claim you're too dark for that nickname, but you're the light in my darkness, Tsukishima Kei._
> 
> _Sappiness aside, this is the first letter I ever wrote to you, right? I'm sorry the first-ever letter I wrote to you isn't a love letter, but a letter of apology. I have way too many things to ask forgiveness for, that I’m still struggling to tell you personally._
> 
> _First of all, I’m sorry for being such a bad boyfriend. I promised you days of happiness with me, yet I barely spend time with you these past few months. I wanted to save up, Kei. I wanted a lavish proposal, a lavish wedding, and a lavish honeymoon for the both of us. I knew I couldn’t have that if I stayed where I was, so I worked so hard for a promotion and sucked my boss’s ass just to get a pay raise._
> 
> _Sadly, you know how it ended. I lost the promotion just because I am not my boss’s nephew. I hope bosses like that have a special place in hell._
> 
> _Okay, back to the apology. I worked so hard for our future, I forgot to live in the present. I forgot to treat you the way you deserved to be treated. I was so invested in getting ourselves an extravagant future that I didn’t notice I was neglecting you._
> 
> _I’m sorry, Kei._
> 
> _I’m sorry, for forcing you into family dinners that made you uncomfortable. I knew my parents were out of line, but I wanted them to love you. I wanted to marry you, after all, so I wanted them to accept you into the family. I shouldn’t have blamed you, Kei. It wasn’t your fault they were so close-minded._
> 
> _I’m sorry for all of the dinners I’ve missed. I’m sorry for all of the cold nights you had to spend alone. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to hold your hand tight, especially at that party you forced yourself to attend just to be with me._
> 
> _And most of all, I’m sorry for shutting you out when I was down in the dumps. I just couldn’t face the failure that I’ve become. I was so ashamed to face you. I lost both the future I wanted us to have and the present I was supposed to share with you._
> 
> _I’m sorry if I didn’t love you right, Kei._
> 
> _I know I don’t deserve more of your kindness, or more of your patience. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk this out with you yet, so I wrote a letter. But please, please stay with me, Kei. I thought I had it bad when I lost it all._
> 
> _It turns out losing you would be the worst thing. So please don’t leave me and hang a bit tighter? I promise to strive to become the boyfriend you deserve after I pick myself._
> 
> _I love you, Kei. I will always be glad I went to the wrong café and got scolded for losing the 200 orders of cupcakes we had for an event (and skipped that workday) since it was the day that I met you._
> 
> _Love,_
> 
> _Tetsurou_

It hurt. It hurt so much, that Kei was starting to lose the oxygen in his lungs. He moved the letter and photos away in fear of staining them with his tears, but it was a futile attempt. The ink spread and faded as the blond’s tears fell on them, and he curled away to avoid ruining them more.

It was unfair. It was so, so unfair.

He had already decided to leave. He had already decided to start anew, and build his life back together.

He felt a sharp thing prod his side, and he rolled slightly away to take whatever that was. In his hand, was a photograph of Kuroo, smiling widely as Tsukishima had his arms wrapped around the raven’s waist.

He remembered that day. That was the day when they moved into the apartment to live together.

Call him stupid. Call him a masochist.

But he wanted to try again.

He sat right back up, looking for his phone. As he opened his satchel and sifted for his phone, he realized he couldn’t see his wallet too. Maybe he left them at the tea shop. He cursed to himself, grabbing his car keys and hoping his phone and wallet hasn’t been stolen yet.

Just as he was about to twist the door open, he heard his phone ring from somewhere behind him. He went to the bedroom and saw it on the bed, sighing in relief as he reached for his phone. An unknown number was calling, and he hesitantly raised it to his ear.

“Hello?” He greeted, looking around the bedroom to see if his wallet was there as well.

"Hi, is this Tsukishima Kei?" Kei said a soft 'yes' in confirmation. "This is St. Luke's International Hospital. Your wallet has been found with the victim, and you are number one on his contact list. Are you a family of the patient?"

“Victim? Who?” Kei heard a faint ringing in his ears. He knew this didn’t sound good.

“Kuroo Tetsurou. The suspect tried to rob him, which appeared to be your wallet, sir. He fought against the culprit and got shot three times on his chest. One shot was dangerously close to his heart, and he is undergoing surgery right now. There's a small chance he's going to make it, with the blood loss and the dangerous trajectory of the bullet, and we are here to inform his family."

The ringing was louder, and suddenly, Kei couldn’t move. His knees wobbled, the bed thankfully catching him as he stumbled and fell. The person at the end of the line called for his name, and he affirmed that he was indeed family, and that he was on his way.

He couldn’t believe he was going to lose Kuroo twice, this day. And with the second time, he might not even return.

Kei had never driven a car so fast that day.

Kei had to be restrained, as he violently banged against the door and tried to pry them open.

Kuroo was inside, fighting for his life, and Tsukishima wanted to be there. But they wouldn’t let him. If he was a bit more rational and wasn’t experiencing an emotional turmoil at that moment, he would be embarrassed with what he was doing.

But he couldn't help it. He was about to lose Kuroo and for real this time. He couldn't let that happen.

Their relationship was imperfect, and they technically broke up that day. But the fact that they love each other hasn’t changed. Tsukishima was ready to lose this fight, but not now.

Not when he has found another reason to fight.

“Kuroo!” He called, his voice echoing through the white walls of the hospital. “Come back to me, okay?!”

He knew Kuroo couldn't hear it, but he wanted to say that, anyway. He wanted Kuroo back. Now, more than ever.

When Kuroo’s eyes opened, Kei swore to all the deities in heaven that he will live a good life, and never harm anyone ever again.

He held onto his boyfriend's hand tight, refusing to let him go again as he sniffled. He has been crying awfully a lot, but his tears didn't bother him. What mattered was Kuroo made it through the surgery, and after four days, he has finally woken up.

“Tetsurou,” Tsukishima called softly, squeezing his lover’s hand. “Can you hear me?”

Kuroo blinked, taking in the scenery around him before his eyes met Kei’s. The raven looked at the blond as if he couldn’t believe the sight before him, and he squeezed his hand. “Kei?”

Tsukishima reached for a glass of water, hearing how raspy Kuroo’s voice sounded, so he handed it towards the older. Kuroo drank a few gulps, before opening his mouth to talk again. “Kei, you’re here…”

“Where else would I be?” Kei smiled a little, his body starting to finally feel the fatigue of being sleepless these past few days as he worriedly monitored his boyfriend. “I read your letter. I can’t believe you got yourself shot while I had an emotional flashback of how much I love you.”

Kuroo was still weak, but he managed to laugh somehow. Tsukishima laughed along, and he scooted closer so he could wrap his arms around Kuroo. “If letters could get you emotional like that, maybe I should write more.”

“Maybe you should _talk_ more.” Kei looked at him, sighing. “It’s me, Kuroo. Out of all the people, you should learn to trust me. I’ll hear you out.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Kei…” Kuroo leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss onto the blond’s cheek.

“And we could’ve worked together on that lavish wedding you were planning, idiot. I’ll have you know my salary is higher than yours.”

Kuroo laughed once more, a bit livelier this time, which made Kei's heart soar. He hasn't heard that laugh in so long. "Sure thing, Mr. Big Shot." He smiled, and then his mouth dropped in shock. "Wait, does this mean—"

“We’re back together.” Kei nodded confidently. “And I won’t be letting you go for quite some time, Tetsurou. Of course, as long as you don’t act like an asshole and be cold towards me again.”

Kuroo looked at him, his lips weren’t smiling but his eyes screamed happy. It was what Kei needed for so long, and he was happy that they were able to fall right back to place after that rough patch in the road.

“I won’t let you go too, Kei.”

It was a cold autumn day, still. But in Kuroo’s arms, he was warm.

He wants to stay in this warmth for a long, long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Ngl I teared up a bit while writing this. Why did I hurt my babies!! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading my work and enjoy the other works in Haikyuu Angst Week too! Kudos and comments feed my soul, thank you in advance!


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